生活

折磨人的不是生活

是被你放弃的我 

一个人 还在生活

 

说好的陪伴

说好的陪伴，终究随风而去

友情爱情

抵不过风吹雨打

抵不过平静

抵不过外面那精彩的世界

An empty Christmas

Of all the happenings, I was never part of it.

We had never been on a Christmas together and there will never be.

Learn to feel that it's okay

I've tried, but I can't change you.
I've communicate but u don't really hear me.
U doesn't seem to really care.
But I'm learning to feel that it's okay.

You doesn't seem to understand me.
Or I don't understand you.
Since we are from a opposite world.

Would this be something miracle.
A lifetime friendship.
Or another passer by.

As cruel as it could be

This is where i stay since i was born. I was hiding here away from the world for more than 2 years now. By believing those who loved and left, I closed myself from the world. Deleting FB from my phone and forcing myself to stay offline.

I didn't expected I would lose this home to stay. An ancestor house, and then Grandma pass, gugu pass. And the house were now being owned by another relative. By not living into their expectations, me and my mom got emotionality tortured. Locking my mom out of the house, shouting at us, and cursing us with that big scary voice forcing us to move out. "I don't want to wait for you to die, move out now!" Yes, Such a word. Banging our room door for forgetting to close the toilet door. We tried not to use or touch whatever that doesn't belong to us. More and more, we lost access to the microwave, oven, and the back entrance. I can't even put a parcel on the table. Counting how long we've use the gas to cook, even after we separated it. Like stalking on the way we lived our lives, the time we on the aircond, the hour we use the washing machine as if we are not paying for it and how I've not do the cleaning. If i missed my breakfast after 9am, I felt guilty and fear to leave my room. I hesitate to go out to use the toilet, when i hear ppl outside. And yes, as useless as I was, I left mom being scolded outside alone and me hiding in the room. Life was just terrible. 

20210822 

Mom told them we are looking for a place now. And this didn't stop them from stepping us down. Blaming how terrible we was all these while, and the blame goes all the way back even to 30 over years ago and even claimed how my father complained about my mom when he was still here. Shockingly, he blame mom that we didn't cry when my father pass away. Even claimed how grandma and gugu hate us (which i tot we were good all these years ) turning those that already pass into the bad person. And yeah, it's the era of depression. 

 20210830 

We were shifting for the first round that I realize, they took away the electric guitar gugu gave me. Claiming the will is theirs, nothing gugu mentioned to give me. Even saying the car gugu didn't wanted to give me. I guess if gugu didn't say that in front of everyone previously, they can take back another thing. The will is theirs. Then starting the blaming with those sharp words hitting one by one, all their rights, bully us like hell. Claiming I was fierce? Me and my mom tried to avoid them terribly and kept quite while they are the one keep finding more things to blame, shouting and cursing us in anyway possible.

我認識的妳，還一樣嗎？

我在尋找妳的影子嗎？
每一個妳的好，
總會出現打擾我，
讓我更恨自己，
怎能把妳給丟失了。

可都這麼久了，
也許我認識的你也變了。

For that someone to grow up

I still remember so clearly.
That you said you will wait for me.
I still remember so clearly.
At one of your post you've wrote,
You'll wait for that someone to grow up.

But, still, you left me.
Of all the storm that hits,
You're the first gone in my sight.
And I still keep thinking in my current life,
If you were here, you will be here for me.
And can you share more for me to be there too?
Your silence always scares me.
I don't know what are you thinking.
And what should i do.

And finally, your silence remains forever.

Silence all these years.
Not only.

經歷憂鬱患者的關懷

最終
那些不放棄關心你的人
並不是身邊的人

而是
曾經歷憂鬱
然而活過來的人

吵。不散

人家說，對的人是吵不散的。
對的人， 真的存在嗎？

夢。假的。真的。

一場又一場的噩夢。
少不了你的殘忍。

Of all your friends who were here for me

Of all the stupid things I have done.
I have lost you.
And all of me.
And
All the others
That were precious too.

I always think that you've move on.
I believe you did.
But I wish you didn't.
And I wish all your friends who were here to comfort me, was here from your wish.
But it wasn't.
You weren't in my present life.
And that's the only truth.
And
What am I doing?

I'm born to be ignore

My past relationship has grown me some fobia. It haunted me in every single way.

I'm born to be ignore.
People will disappear.
And so such experience grown into believes
and believes grown into reality.

You must have think, ridiculous, how glad you left me.

Or in some way of physcology says, such believes exist long before you knew it.
And so such relationship appear.
It's a projection what's inside you.

Alien Left Panda

你还在身边。只是我的假象

是因为太长梦见，所以才总觉得你还在身边吗？这种强烈的失去感最近又出现攻击了。emotional breakdown?换来的是批判还是同理？痛苦仿佛是永恒的一件事。此刻已经永恒了。永恒在两年多前。

I still lived in the bin

You left me. And why do i still misses you so much.